You’ve Got It (The Right Stuff) is really quite the sweet ‘bros before hoes’ morality tale on the surface. But if you’re willing to really dig deeper, and Gods knows Bleached Hem has gotten good at digging holes for itself lately (Re: Cycle Sluts From Hell), then you’ll realise a far darker ill-morality tale with many a murky, unwanted lesson to be gained from it.
Let’s begin with the whole bros before hoes issue. I mean, it’s that age old shitter of meeting the pal of your dreams, sharing a few scandalously magical months joined at the hip and playing old Mega Drive games round at theirs 5 nights a week, and then BAM! Motherfucker meets a new ‘special friend’ and before you know it you’re relegated to the once a month meet up slot once reserved for their poor, suffering mother.
See, that’s the great thing about New Kids. Here they are, singing this song about things going pretty damn smooth with their new respective lady friends, but - hold up son - they’re still finding the sweet time to rock it with their boy chums.
Look at them - goofing off, joyriding in supposedly stolen cars and spending the rest of their free time co-ordinating heavily choreographed in sync dance routines with each other. Damn. That’s what bromance is all about - being totally in sync with each other. To hell with that totally rad young lady. They’ll call her back when they’re done singing at each other, Godammit. Bitch can wait.
But then, look a bit closer and the whole thing starts resembling a pop video rendition of Larry Clarks epic aids ridden, teenage sex-terror film Kids (http://tinyurl.com/cwx7dk). Especially when they start pursuing that poor outnumbered trio of local underage girls and chase them into a bloody cemetery. I mean, come on New Kids - we know we’ve probably got bras older and with more sexual experience than you guys but still - that isn’t how you win a girls heart or even legally get into her knickers. In fact you’ve taken the whole bros before hoes principle to a totally dangerous new level.
The lessons we can take from this are so incredibly important that we’re gonna have to break it on down for y’all - New Kids style. Uh-oh-oh-woah-OH-OH!
One: Gentlemen. Bros before hoes = yes. Just don’t let the friendship enter Chasing Amy ‘I think we all need to sleep together’ territory. Especially in cemeteries. And especially with underage girls. And super especially if they look terrified out of their poor naive wits. Poor lambs. Get a grip fellas. You can take one night off a week from the lads to woo, romance and tap that ‘right stuff’ without turning it into an ill-fated group hang. We all know how they end, and so do the Police.
Two: Ladies. If your beau isn’t answering the phone and is turning up to your dates with his whole baby faced posse of jive limbed loser friends - get some self respect and ditch the chump. If you continue to see him, it’ll only end with you becoming a beer caddy during Friday night X-Box live playoffs, and you getting drunk and copping off with that freaky looking one in the hat in lieu of actual affection from your genuine boyfriend. And that is science fact. NASA did research.
Three: Stay outta the cemeteries, for Chrissakes.
Four: Shredded jeans and Bauhaus t-shirts make you look totally badass. Irrespective of age, badass achievements, and the fact that you’ve blatantly got no fucking clue who Bauhaus are, you ignorant pissing poser.
This, again, was also researched by NASA.
Five: We totally thought New Kids On The Block were dreamboats when we were five. But then, that’s exactly the kind of shit which boys like New Kids want you to think. In retrospect, they’re horrific, disturbing, sinister and haven’t got half a brain cell or even a quarter of good intentions between them. So err....what am I saying again? Oh yeah. Don’t have crushes on anyone. Ever. They only let you down. Yeah. Something like that.
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